Insecurities & Letting Loose

I have spent the last 7 years hiding in my own skin. 

My skin during Christmas time - Junior year

I started getting acne the beginning of sixth grade. It slowly progressed and became what I thought was the end of the world but was actually not even noticeable. The instant fear of being different and being the only one with acne in middle school terrified me and I instantly had my mom take scissors to my hair to create bangs to cover up the few (unnoticeable) pimples. I think I was so terrified of being different because I wasn't feeling as if I fit in. This was only the beginning. 

I was so shy during middle school that being surrounded by other people who looked and just were better than me (in my opinion) terrified me. 

Seventh grade was a blur and I still had my bangs. I was still awkward and still so insecure about what I hid under my hair. That's when I started learning about makeup. I had found a wonderful world of foundation that seemed to magically cover up my face and create a perfect blank canvas. Little did I know that full coverage foundation on a seventh grader was extremely unnatural, and it was not worth all of the clothes I ruined by trying to put shirts on over my heavily covered face. Eighth grade I got rid of the bangs and discovered BB cream. I pretty much learned the trick of the trade when it came to covering up my skin but I still had "major" breakouts. The last two years my acne seemed to be staying on my forehead but this particular year it decided to migrate to my cheeks. Making it only harder to conceal. 

So.. begins high school. Some of the best and worst times when it came to my confidence. In these four years I learned which foundations were waterproof, how to shower without messing up my makeup, and how to swim without getting my face wet. Yes, very tricky business. I wasn't really focused on my acne anymore as much as I was on the scars that were left. That has been my biggest insecurity these past four years and I am slowly learning to embrace it. Slowly but surly. 

Senior year brought me a lot of struggles when it came to my skin. 

On project graduation we were at a water park and everyone was swimming and going down the water slides. It had taken me about an hour to warm up to the water and finally decide to ride down one of the slides. I couldn't enjoy it. The entire ride down I was keeping my face up and hoping the splash at the bottom wouldn't soak the makeup I had on. I was surrounded by my entire class and was terrified of the looks and thoughts I would get when I came out of the pool looking completely different than when I entered. 

Rewind to two months ago when I was on spring break sitting in a hot tub full of guys from my class when one of them mentioned my makeup coming off. And another one saying "I prefer girls who wear less makeup" (making me want to get out and cry). 

My scars & face today

Back to the water park and that flashback instantly came into my head. Frozen. There I was looking grumpy and ruining my time there because I was so scared and insecure. 

(I finally let loose and went down the slides a few more times, in case you were wondering. But it did happen with a lot of persuasion). 

It was that night that I realized how much I hold back on things I want to do. How much of a grump I look like when I say no to fun things. And how much of a struggle I'm going to have if I'm always scared to do things. 

A "good" skin day where my scars are light

                                              No, I'm not perfectly fine with going without Makeup still. I have made some improvements though. A few nights ago I realized I walked into my room with my boyfriend there after I had taken off my face and was ready for bed. I was completely comfortable and so I love with the fact that I was able to wash my face off and not think twice about the boyfriend seeing me. 

I am slowly easing into loving my skin and I try to go bare face or as close to bare face as I can when I'm feeling myself. It takes a lot of courage and it's hard. It's hard being vulnerable. It's hard to allow yourself to let others know you're not perfect. But with little steps I'm trying. 

Loving yourself is honestly the best thing you can do.  Because if you don't, you end up doing more damage. I can't preach about self love when I don't fully know how to do it but I hope I'm not the only one in the process of finding and loving myself.. 

Thanks for reading :) 

Xo- Leah