Alone or Lonely?
I don't really know how to start this.. so I'm just going to be blunt. College sucks. When I pictured college my senior year of high school I had this crazy expectation that I was going to branch out and go out of my comfort zone. I was going to make friends, the bestest of friends. But in fact, I have done the total opposite.
High school was a constant battle of wanting to be alone and have my free time and me wanting to be surrounded by people and constantly be doing something. It's been awhile since I have had the feeling of friendship with a lot of people. It always felt like I was in competition with my friends friends and I was never anyone's "first choice". Now it may sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself and have nothing to do but complain but you know that feeling that you're not your best friends bestfriend? That is how I felt with everyone. There was always someone better than I was. Someone who was funnier, more adventurous, someone that was always down for anything.
Don't get me wrong, I like this alone time that I have from being at a school where people just got to class and then leave. No clubs to join, no parties, nothing. That's the whole point in a community college. People are just there to go to class and then leave. And I knew what I signed up for when I decided last minute to switch schools because this was the "smarter" choice. I just didn't know how lonely I would be.
Being alone and being lonely are two totally different things.
I had envisioned college as being the place where I make all of these memories and where I meet the most fantastic people. People I have been waiting to meet and become friends with for forever. I don't know why I do this to myself. I am constantly changing my mind and unable to make a decision and stick with it. That was my problem when it came to the end of high school and I had to make a decision on what school I wanted to go to. I picked the one I liked and up until the end I felt confident about my decision. Then, the week of graduation I got scared. Too scared of missing my family, too scared of moving far away, too scared of being away from my friends and boyfriend. So I stuck with an easy choice. A safe one. One where I convinced myself that it was smarter to stay close to home and go to a school for a degree I didn't even want. I convinced myself that I should get this degree because it wouldn't take as long and I wouldn't have much debt because I'm at a community college. I convinced myself this because I was afraid of being wrong. Of picking the wrong choice.
I know college is hard. The school work is harder, the transition is hard, and people have a hard time making friends even at a school filled with thousands of people.
But I look all over social media and I see pictures of my friends with their new friends. I'm constantly wondering what would I be like if I had the opportunity to make such good friends like that already and I'm jealous of them. I'm jealous that I feel lonely and they're surrounded by people that already consider them good friends. I'm jealous of them because I feel like I'm going to hold onto these high school friendships while these friends are going to forget about me. Yes, I'm selfish for holding onto them and not wanting them to move on.
I don't know what to do. I want to quit. I want to give up and to move on and to maybe (finally) make good friends. But the problem is that I have no idea where to go. I'm scared that I'll get somewhere and I won't fit in. I'll be surrounded by people who only have partying on their mind. I'll be surrounded by people who I don't relate to and then I'll be stuck at the same spot I'm in now.
I’m back to my whole “what am I doing?” situation and I feel like if a little person where to crawl into my head it would just be a huge cloud of smoke. A great analogy and another great album cover. But really, what am I doing?
I'll end off on a good note and say that there are some good things about being alone. This crazy feeling of mine tells me that I changed plans so God could have a way to connect to me. These past couple of weeks all I have done is worry and stress over.. everything. In each of those lonely moments I find myself talking to God. Praying for help, guidance, and strength to continue on. To not give up and to look at the bigger picture. When I'm sitting alone in my living room I watch my church services on my tv. I take notes, I pray, and I put my faith in God and trust for him to help me through this.
I have also learned how to grocery shop, save money, and cook for myself. Granted, these aren't gourmet meals and the instructions are printed clearly on the bag.
High school was a constant battle of wanting to be alone and have my free time and me wanting to be surrounded by people and constantly be doing something. It's been awhile since I have had the feeling of friendship with a lot of people. It always felt like I was in competition with my friends friends and I was never anyone's "first choice". Now it may sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself and have nothing to do but complain but you know that feeling that you're not your best friends bestfriend? That is how I felt with everyone. There was always someone better than I was. Someone who was funnier, more adventurous, someone that was always down for anything.
Don't get me wrong, I like this alone time that I have from being at a school where people just got to class and then leave. No clubs to join, no parties, nothing. That's the whole point in a community college. People are just there to go to class and then leave. And I knew what I signed up for when I decided last minute to switch schools because this was the "smarter" choice. I just didn't know how lonely I would be.
Being alone and being lonely are two totally different things.
I had envisioned college as being the place where I make all of these memories and where I meet the most fantastic people. People I have been waiting to meet and become friends with for forever. I don't know why I do this to myself. I am constantly changing my mind and unable to make a decision and stick with it. That was my problem when it came to the end of high school and I had to make a decision on what school I wanted to go to. I picked the one I liked and up until the end I felt confident about my decision. Then, the week of graduation I got scared. Too scared of missing my family, too scared of moving far away, too scared of being away from my friends and boyfriend. So I stuck with an easy choice. A safe one. One where I convinced myself that it was smarter to stay close to home and go to a school for a degree I didn't even want. I convinced myself that I should get this degree because it wouldn't take as long and I wouldn't have much debt because I'm at a community college. I convinced myself this because I was afraid of being wrong. Of picking the wrong choice.
I know college is hard. The school work is harder, the transition is hard, and people have a hard time making friends even at a school filled with thousands of people.
But I look all over social media and I see pictures of my friends with their new friends. I'm constantly wondering what would I be like if I had the opportunity to make such good friends like that already and I'm jealous of them. I'm jealous that I feel lonely and they're surrounded by people that already consider them good friends. I'm jealous of them because I feel like I'm going to hold onto these high school friendships while these friends are going to forget about me. Yes, I'm selfish for holding onto them and not wanting them to move on.
I don't know what to do. I want to quit. I want to give up and to move on and to maybe (finally) make good friends. But the problem is that I have no idea where to go. I'm scared that I'll get somewhere and I won't fit in. I'll be surrounded by people who only have partying on their mind. I'll be surrounded by people who I don't relate to and then I'll be stuck at the same spot I'm in now.
I’m back to my whole “what am I doing?” situation and I feel like if a little person where to crawl into my head it would just be a huge cloud of smoke. A great analogy and another great album cover. But really, what am I doing?
I'll end off on a good note and say that there are some good things about being alone. This crazy feeling of mine tells me that I changed plans so God could have a way to connect to me. These past couple of weeks all I have done is worry and stress over.. everything. In each of those lonely moments I find myself talking to God. Praying for help, guidance, and strength to continue on. To not give up and to look at the bigger picture. When I'm sitting alone in my living room I watch my church services on my tv. I take notes, I pray, and I put my faith in God and trust for him to help me through this.
Life is hard and this is the most confusing time in my life thus far but in five, ten, twenty years I’ll look back on this and realize that everything worked out and life is so good.
Best of luck to anyone else feeling confused, lost, and lonely. Everything will work out :)
Xo-
Leah
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